Happie

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against mother

tongue.?

Santa: Very long!

*****

Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?

Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

*****

Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?

Santa: Birla cement.

Banta: Kyun?

Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.

*****

Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.

Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1

bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

*****

Banta ek sadhu se bola" Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi

upay batao.

Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

*****

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.

Santa: Hai.

Frog: Nahin hai.

Santa: Hai.

Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.

Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

*****

Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.

Santa: I think I'll take the money.

*****

Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?

Banta: Me too, after u leave.

*****

A lady asked Santa: LIPTON di chah hai?

Santa replied: Mainu ta nahi hai ji, tainu hai ta lipat ja...

*****

Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?

A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.

*****

Santa standing on platform no. 1 suddenly jumps on the railway track.

Banta: Santa u'll die.

Santa: U'll die bcoz haven't u heard train is coming on platform no. 1?

*****

Santa & Banta got tired of mobile & decide 2 use pigeons. One day a

pigeon reaches Banta without message. Angry Banta calls Santa!

Santa: Oye, this was a missed call

*****

Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

*****

Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.

Banta: What's he studying?"

Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!

*****

Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "

A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

*****

Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?

A: Because it was an entrance exam.

*****

What's Ford?

Santa: Gaadi.

What's Oxford?

Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

*****

Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.

Santa got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

*****

Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.

Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.

Santa: I didn't say he got out.

*****

Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes first

- the chicken or the egg?

O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

*****

Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I

breathe, a man dies?"

Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"

*****

Source: Happie

Funniest jokes, quotes and sayings: Happie

1

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

2

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

3

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

4

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

5

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

6

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

-

Snowballs.

7

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

8

I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere

{Source: Happie}

Hindi Funny Comedy Jokes - Happie

Bahut der k baad train chali.Muslim bola_ya Ali ! Hindu bola_ jai bajrang bali.Ek sardar bola_kya Ali,Kya Bali?Ullu k pattho, Train to baju wali Chali

1 shrabi roz SHIV mandir pe sir tekta tha.

1 din pujaari ne SHIV ke jagah GANESH murti rakhi,

Shraabi aya dekha bola- Chhotu papa se bolna main aya tha.

Premika: Aisa Letter Likh Sajna, Meri Umar Beet Jaye Padhne Me....

Premi:(!=!0!>XE~?1!!:E'&A?>#^^E"!$>,'>,'E=*?#:P(+>!*"@&= Le Padhle.....!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

isme 1 missing hai

find it...

2 times padhte ho

sharam nahi aati ?

ABCD me 1 kaha aata hai?

Hindi Comedy Jokes

Old : pehla pehla pyar hai, aayi bahar hai, aaja more sajan tera

Intazar hai.

New : Duja teja pyar hai, dil bekarar hai, aaja mere sajana verna

Chautha taiyaar hai…!

Boy- Bus,train or ladki ek jesi hoti hai,ek jati hai to dusri aa jati hai

Girl- Taxi, Autoriksha or ladke ek jaise hote hai, ek bulao 4 chale

Aate hai..!

Ladka ladki ko dekhne gaya,

unko baat krne k liye akele bitha diya

girl-(darte hue)bhaiya aap kitne bhai-behen ho

Boy-abhi tk to 3 the,ab 4 ho gye.

Hindi Comedy Jokes

Ladka : jaaneman is dil me chali aao

Ladki : chapal nikali kya?

Ladka : pagli, ye koi mandir nahi hai, aise hi aa jao.

Chayewala – bholi si surat aankho me masti dur khadi sarmaye haye haye!!

Ladki- kali si surat hatho me ketli dur khade chilaye chaye-chaye

Babu apni girlfriend se- darling kal ghar par aa jana koi bhi nahi hoga!

Jab ladki ghar par aati hai to sachmuch koi nahi tha.

Ladka- kya me tumhara hath tham lu?

Ladki – No thanks ! ye itna bhari nahi he!!

Kutte………kaminey………..matlabi………….dhokebaaz……….

Ullu ke pathe………besharam……..baimaan……….kapti………

Aise logo se hamesha door rehna !!

Bilu MC ki hotal me- are bhai kab se wait kar raha hu,

Khana abhi tak nahi aaya?

Mc – sar khana to char din se bana rakha hai bas garam ho raha hai!!

Pitaji:- itne kam no. ? do thapad marne chahiye!

Tinku:- ha papa,chalo maine us mastarji ka ghar dekha hai!!

Teacher – bolo A for Apple ,

Student – A for apple,

Teacher – jor se bolo,

Student – jai mata dee!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho

He he he he he he he he he he he ……

Kuch nahi bas tumhari sakal yaad aa gayi….

Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?

A. jab koi ladki shaadi se pehle pregnant ho jaye, aur uski maa

Kahe “hey bhagwan ye tune kya kiya”.

Maine tujhe dekha…dekhta hi gaya…dekhta hi gaya…..

Aur fir…ek din mujhe…

….Chashma…lag gaya!!

Source :  Happie

Little Johny Jokes = Happie

The Best of Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts and Sayings!

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys!

Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.

Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.

 „And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?“ asks mother. „Come on mom, the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy.”

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”

“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated,” answers Johnny.

The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”

Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

– Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?

– Because I helped her.

– But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?

– I helped her eat her gummy bears.

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”

Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

Source : Happie

Happie - Hindi Jokes

नींद ना आने का इलाज़!

एक दिन संता थका हारा डॉक्टर के पास आता है और डॉक्टर से कहता है डॉक्टर साहब मेरे पड़ोस में बहुत सारे कुत्ते है जो रात दिन भौंकते रहते है जिस कारण में एक घड़ी के लिए भी नहीं सो पाता।

डॉक्टर ने कहा इसमें कोई चिंता की बात नहीं है मैं तुम्हें कुछ नींद की गोलियां दे देता हूँ वे इतनी असरदार है कि तुम्हें पता ही नहीं चलेगा कि तुम्हारे पड़ोस में कोई कुत्ता है भी या नहीं। ये दवाइयाँ तुम ले जाओ और अपनी परेशानी दूर करो।

कुछ हफ्ते बाद संता वापस डॉक्टर के पास आया और पहले से ज्यादा परेशान लग रहा था और डॉक्टर से कहने लगा डॉक्टर साहब आपकी योजना ठीक नहीं थी अब तो मैं पहले से ज्यादा थक गया हूँ।

डॉक्टर मैं नहीं जानता कि ये कैसे हो गया पर जो दवाईयां दी थी वे नींद आने की सबसे बढ़िया गोलियां थी चलो फिर भी आज मैं तुम्हें उससे भी ज्यादा असरदार गोलियां देता हूँ।

संता: क्या ये सचमुच असर करेंगी पर मैं सारी रात कुतों को पकड़ने में लगा रहता हूँ और मुश्किल से अगर एक-आध को पकड़ भी लूँ तो उसके मुहं में गोली डालना बहुत मुश्किल हो जाता है।

_____________________________________________________

गलतफहमी

एक औरत हाथ में हथौड़ा लिये अपने बेटे के स्कूल में पहुंची और चपरासी से पूछ्ने लगी, "शुक्ला सर की क्लास कौन सी है?"

"क्यों पूछ रही हैं?" हथौड़े को देखकर चपरासी ने डरते हुए पूछा।

"अरे वो मेरे बेटे के क्लास टीचर है।" हथौड़ा हिलाते हुए वो औरत उतावलेपन से बोली।

चपरासी ने दौड़कर शुक्ला सर को खबर दी, कि एक औरत हाथ में हथौड़ा लिये आपको ढूंढ रही है। शुक्ला सर के छक्के छूट गये। वो दौड़कर प्रिसिंपल की शरण में पहुंचे। प्रिंसिपल तत्काल उस औरत के पास पहुंचा और विनय पूर्वक बोला, "कृपया करके आप शांत हो जाईये।"

"मै शांत ही हूं।" वो औरत बोली।

प्रिंसिपल: आप मुझे बताईये कि बात क्या है?

औरत: बात कुछ भी नही हैं। मैं बस शुक्ला सर की क्लास में जाना चाहती हूं।

प्रिंसिपल: लेकिन क्यों?

औरत: क्यों, क्योंकि मुझे वहाँ उस बेंच की कील ठोकनी है, जिस पर मेरा बेटा बैठता है। क़ल वो स्कूल से तीसरी पेंट फ़ाड़ कर आया है।

औरत के कान

एक आदमी ने दुर्घटना में दोनों कान खो दिए, कोई भी प्लास्टिक सर्जन उसका समाधान नहीं कर पाया, उसने किसी से सुना कि स्वीडन में कोई सर्जन है जो इसे ठीक कर सकता है और वो उसके पास गया।

नए सर्जन ने उस कि जांच की, थोड़ी देर सोचा और फिर कहा, मैं तुम्हें ठीक कर दूंगा।

ओप्रशन के बाद पट्टियां खोली गयी, टांके भी खोल दिए गए और वो वापिस अपने होटल चला गया।

अगली सुबह उसने बहुत गुस्से में सर्जन को फ़ोन किया और जोर से चिल्लाया कमीने तुमने मुझमें औरत का कान लगाया है।

सर्जन ने कहा, तो क्या हुआ कान तो कान है, इससे कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता, औरत का हो या मर्द का।

ऐसा नहीं है, आप गलत बोल रहे हैं, मैं सुन तो सब कुछ सकता हूँ, पर समझ में कुछ भी नहीं आ रहा है।

मिल गया जवाब

एक बूढ़े आदमी ने सोचा कि उसकी बीवी को शायद सुनना कम हो गया है। यह चेक करने के लिए एक दिन वो उसके पीछे गया और बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

कोई जवाब नहीं आया। वो थोडा सा और आगे गया और फिर बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

इस बार भी कोई जवाब नहीं आया। वो बिलकुल उसके करीब चला गया और बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

बूढी चिल्लाते हुए बोली, "साले बहरे, तीसरी बार हाँ बोल रही हूँ। अब फिर पूछा तो तेरा सिर फोड़ दूंगी।"

पत्नियों की माया!

अलग-अलग महिलाएं अपने पतियों से लड़ रही थी।

पायलट की पत्नी: ज्यादा उड़ो मत समझे।

मास्टर की पत्नी: मुझे मत सिखाओ ये आपका स्कूल नहीं।

डेंटिस्ट की पत्नी: दांत तोड़ के हाथ में दे दूंगी।

डॉक्टर की पत्नी: तबियत दुरुस्त कर दूंगी।

MBA की पत्नी: अपने काम से काम रखो।

इंजीनियर की पत्नी: ज्यादा करंट मत मारो।

चार्टर्ड अकाउंटेंट की पत्नी: पहले पास तो हो लो, फिर बात करना बुड्ढे।

Source : Hindi Jokes

Happie

The new-age way to get your daily dose of desi humour. Anytime, anywhere. With our easy-to-use Happie app, you can get access to funny jokes shared by desi  joke lovers across the world.  

Jokes and Happiness Tips - Happie

Five ways to make yourself happier

If you wish we had a more ‘caring’, left-wing government than the one we’ve voted for, there are several things you can do to make yourself happier.

These don’t involve bemoaning your fellow citizens’ selfishness and stupidity.

Calling people names rarely makes you feel better and doesn’t actually change anything. And the people will still be selfish and stupid – no matter what you say.

Getting drunk, taking drugs, watching live comedy, having orgasms or even eating chocolate are legitimate ways of making yourself happier – but my list doesn’t involve any of these. You can do these as well!

How good is that?

Why not try one of these ways to recover from 7 May 2015?

1. If you wanted the government to raise taxes to pay for better health care, overseas aid or any other issue you believe in, start contributing more from your pay to charities. Either that, or wait for five years to see if we vote for a government that will raise them. You’ll probably feel more empowered if you do something positive now.

2. Join a political party. A 20 year old SNP candidate who’s still doing her university finals will be sitting in the new House of Commons, so it’s possible to follow your political dreams.

Electoral politics isn’t for everyone – I’ve worked for an MP and found the experience terrifying. But you may enjoy it. Why not give it a try? You could be brilliant at it.

And if the mainstream political parties make you queasy, there are others like the recently-formed Women’s Equality party. One of its founders Sandi Todsvik was fed up of being fed up and has even given up her fantastic job on Radio 4’s News Quiz to help establish this party.

3. Start being nicer to people. Smile if someone smiles at you. Hold doors open – even if the person is still 10 metres away and limping. Give your seat up on the bus for someone who’s younger than you. Have a chat to the Big Issue seller instead of avoiding his or her gaze. Little bits of kindness make the giver and receiver happier. They just do.

4. Do something really positive and of immediately huge benefit to others – like giving blood. Giving blood is a lovely way to feel connected to your fellows – even UKIP supporters need blood transfusions in the operating theatre.

5. Find a cause you believe in and find fellow travellers on the road to your own personal utopia. You’d be surprised how many groups exist for all manner of causes and interests. Volunteer at a local hospice. Help kids with their reading at a local school. Pick up litter for a couple of hours a day, like the eccentric and lovely David Sedaris.

If some of this sounds like a call to fill the gaps of an underfunded welfare state, then ask yourself what you’re going to do to make the world better now the gaps aren’t going to be filled by the state.

I’m as gutted as the next person that our society is run by – and on behalf of – a small club.

I came close to some of its elements when I studied at David Cameron’s old Oxford college. They’re horrendous, arrogant and the true manifestation of the ‘entitlement culture’.

But that’s the way things are for now. If you’re disappointed and depressed that the UK has another Conservative government, you can bemoan it and do nothing – feeling both alienated and impotent.

Or you can use whatever motivation, talent and resources you have to make the world a slightly better place today.

I know which will make you – and others – a bit happier.

Source : Happie