Little Johny Jokes = Happie

The Best of Chuck Norris Jokes, Facts and Sayings!

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it without a single remark.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

When Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so overawed.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys!

Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear on top of his trousers.

Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.

 „And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?“ asks mother. „Come on mom, the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy.”

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square. The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”

“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated,” answers Johnny.

The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”

Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

– Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?

– Because I helped her.

– But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?

– I helped her eat her gummy bears.

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”

Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

Source : Happie

Happie - Hindi Jokes

नींद ना आने का इलाज़!

एक दिन संता थका हारा डॉक्टर के पास आता है और डॉक्टर से कहता है डॉक्टर साहब मेरे पड़ोस में बहुत सारे कुत्ते है जो रात दिन भौंकते रहते है जिस कारण में एक घड़ी के लिए भी नहीं सो पाता।

डॉक्टर ने कहा इसमें कोई चिंता की बात नहीं है मैं तुम्हें कुछ नींद की गोलियां दे देता हूँ वे इतनी असरदार है कि तुम्हें पता ही नहीं चलेगा कि तुम्हारे पड़ोस में कोई कुत्ता है भी या नहीं। ये दवाइयाँ तुम ले जाओ और अपनी परेशानी दूर करो।

कुछ हफ्ते बाद संता वापस डॉक्टर के पास आया और पहले से ज्यादा परेशान लग रहा था और डॉक्टर से कहने लगा डॉक्टर साहब आपकी योजना ठीक नहीं थी अब तो मैं पहले से ज्यादा थक गया हूँ।

डॉक्टर मैं नहीं जानता कि ये कैसे हो गया पर जो दवाईयां दी थी वे नींद आने की सबसे बढ़िया गोलियां थी चलो फिर भी आज मैं तुम्हें उससे भी ज्यादा असरदार गोलियां देता हूँ।

संता: क्या ये सचमुच असर करेंगी पर मैं सारी रात कुतों को पकड़ने में लगा रहता हूँ और मुश्किल से अगर एक-आध को पकड़ भी लूँ तो उसके मुहं में गोली डालना बहुत मुश्किल हो जाता है।

_____________________________________________________

गलतफहमी

एक औरत हाथ में हथौड़ा लिये अपने बेटे के स्कूल में पहुंची और चपरासी से पूछ्ने लगी, "शुक्ला सर की क्लास कौन सी है?"

"क्यों पूछ रही हैं?" हथौड़े को देखकर चपरासी ने डरते हुए पूछा।

"अरे वो मेरे बेटे के क्लास टीचर है।" हथौड़ा हिलाते हुए वो औरत उतावलेपन से बोली।

चपरासी ने दौड़कर शुक्ला सर को खबर दी, कि एक औरत हाथ में हथौड़ा लिये आपको ढूंढ रही है। शुक्ला सर के छक्के छूट गये। वो दौड़कर प्रिसिंपल की शरण में पहुंचे। प्रिंसिपल तत्काल उस औरत के पास पहुंचा और विनय पूर्वक बोला, "कृपया करके आप शांत हो जाईये।"

"मै शांत ही हूं।" वो औरत बोली।

प्रिंसिपल: आप मुझे बताईये कि बात क्या है?

औरत: बात कुछ भी नही हैं। मैं बस शुक्ला सर की क्लास में जाना चाहती हूं।

प्रिंसिपल: लेकिन क्यों?

औरत: क्यों, क्योंकि मुझे वहाँ उस बेंच की कील ठोकनी है, जिस पर मेरा बेटा बैठता है। क़ल वो स्कूल से तीसरी पेंट फ़ाड़ कर आया है।

औरत के कान

एक आदमी ने दुर्घटना में दोनों कान खो दिए, कोई भी प्लास्टिक सर्जन उसका समाधान नहीं कर पाया, उसने किसी से सुना कि स्वीडन में कोई सर्जन है जो इसे ठीक कर सकता है और वो उसके पास गया।

नए सर्जन ने उस कि जांच की, थोड़ी देर सोचा और फिर कहा, मैं तुम्हें ठीक कर दूंगा।

ओप्रशन के बाद पट्टियां खोली गयी, टांके भी खोल दिए गए और वो वापिस अपने होटल चला गया।

अगली सुबह उसने बहुत गुस्से में सर्जन को फ़ोन किया और जोर से चिल्लाया कमीने तुमने मुझमें औरत का कान लगाया है।

सर्जन ने कहा, तो क्या हुआ कान तो कान है, इससे कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता, औरत का हो या मर्द का।

ऐसा नहीं है, आप गलत बोल रहे हैं, मैं सुन तो सब कुछ सकता हूँ, पर समझ में कुछ भी नहीं आ रहा है।

मिल गया जवाब

एक बूढ़े आदमी ने सोचा कि उसकी बीवी को शायद सुनना कम हो गया है। यह चेक करने के लिए एक दिन वो उसके पीछे गया और बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

कोई जवाब नहीं आया। वो थोडा सा और आगे गया और फिर बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

इस बार भी कोई जवाब नहीं आया। वो बिलकुल उसके करीब चला गया और बोला, "जानू, क्या तुम मुझे सुन रही हो?"

बूढी चिल्लाते हुए बोली, "साले बहरे, तीसरी बार हाँ बोल रही हूँ। अब फिर पूछा तो तेरा सिर फोड़ दूंगी।"

पत्नियों की माया!

अलग-अलग महिलाएं अपने पतियों से लड़ रही थी।

पायलट की पत्नी: ज्यादा उड़ो मत समझे।

मास्टर की पत्नी: मुझे मत सिखाओ ये आपका स्कूल नहीं।

डेंटिस्ट की पत्नी: दांत तोड़ के हाथ में दे दूंगी।

डॉक्टर की पत्नी: तबियत दुरुस्त कर दूंगी।

MBA की पत्नी: अपने काम से काम रखो।

इंजीनियर की पत्नी: ज्यादा करंट मत मारो।

चार्टर्ड अकाउंटेंट की पत्नी: पहले पास तो हो लो, फिर बात करना बुड्ढे।

Source : Hindi Jokes

Happie

The new-age way to get your daily dose of desi humour. Anytime, anywhere. With our easy-to-use Happie app, you can get access to funny jokes shared by desi  joke lovers across the world.  

Jokes and Happiness Tips - Happie

Five ways to make yourself happier

If you wish we had a more ‘caring’, left-wing government than the one we’ve voted for, there are several things you can do to make yourself happier.

These don’t involve bemoaning your fellow citizens’ selfishness and stupidity.

Calling people names rarely makes you feel better and doesn’t actually change anything. And the people will still be selfish and stupid – no matter what you say.

Getting drunk, taking drugs, watching live comedy, having orgasms or even eating chocolate are legitimate ways of making yourself happier – but my list doesn’t involve any of these. You can do these as well!

How good is that?

Why not try one of these ways to recover from 7 May 2015?

1. If you wanted the government to raise taxes to pay for better health care, overseas aid or any other issue you believe in, start contributing more from your pay to charities. Either that, or wait for five years to see if we vote for a government that will raise them. You’ll probably feel more empowered if you do something positive now.

2. Join a political party. A 20 year old SNP candidate who’s still doing her university finals will be sitting in the new House of Commons, so it’s possible to follow your political dreams.

Electoral politics isn’t for everyone – I’ve worked for an MP and found the experience terrifying. But you may enjoy it. Why not give it a try? You could be brilliant at it.

And if the mainstream political parties make you queasy, there are others like the recently-formed Women’s Equality party. One of its founders Sandi Todsvik was fed up of being fed up and has even given up her fantastic job on Radio 4’s News Quiz to help establish this party.

3. Start being nicer to people. Smile if someone smiles at you. Hold doors open – even if the person is still 10 metres away and limping. Give your seat up on the bus for someone who’s younger than you. Have a chat to the Big Issue seller instead of avoiding his or her gaze. Little bits of kindness make the giver and receiver happier. They just do.

4. Do something really positive and of immediately huge benefit to others – like giving blood. Giving blood is a lovely way to feel connected to your fellows – even UKIP supporters need blood transfusions in the operating theatre.

5. Find a cause you believe in and find fellow travellers on the road to your own personal utopia. You’d be surprised how many groups exist for all manner of causes and interests. Volunteer at a local hospice. Help kids with their reading at a local school. Pick up litter for a couple of hours a day, like the eccentric and lovely David Sedaris.

If some of this sounds like a call to fill the gaps of an underfunded welfare state, then ask yourself what you’re going to do to make the world better now the gaps aren’t going to be filled by the state.

I’m as gutted as the next person that our society is run by – and on behalf of – a small club.

I came close to some of its elements when I studied at David Cameron’s old Oxford college. They’re horrendous, arrogant and the true manifestation of the ‘entitlement culture’.

But that’s the way things are for now. If you’re disappointed and depressed that the UK has another Conservative government, you can bemoan it and do nothing – feeling both alienated and impotent.

Or you can use whatever motivation, talent and resources you have to make the world a slightly better place today.

I know which will make you – and others – a bit happier.

Source : Happie

English Short Santa Banta Jokes

Bird Jokes - Happie

Q: When should you buy a bird?

A: When it’s going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?

He wanted to make a long distance caw.

Q: What is green and pecks on trees?

A: Woody the Wood Pickle.

Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

A: Roosters don’t lay eggs!

Q: Why did the bird get a ticket?

A: It broke the law of gravity!

Q: What do you call a chicken in the 1960’s?

A: A funky chicken.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be baygulls!

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?

A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame bird?

A: The tame way, unique up on it!

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

A: With its sparrowchute.

Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment.

Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?

A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.

Q: How did the bubble gum cross the road?

A: On the bottom of the chicken’s foot!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

A: He was a dirty double crosser!

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?

A: Because they don’t know the words.

Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

A: He got caught peeping on a test.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

A: To get to the other size!

Q: Why do ducks fly south?

A: Because it’s too far to walk!

Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?

A: To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

There was a duck who walked into a store and said, “got any candy?” The storekeeper said, “no, we don’t.” The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same anwer. The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “no.” Then the duck asks, “got any candy?”

Q: What does a cat call a hummingbird?

A: Fast food.

Q: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?

A: He was catching all the chickens!

Q: How do chickens get strong?

A: Egg-cersize.

Q: How do crows stick together in a flock?

A: Velcrow.

Q: What did one egg say to the other egg?

A: Let’s get crackin’!

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?

A: A box of quackers.

Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?

A: Because it was chicken.

Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?

A: A robber ducky.

Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

A: Because they kept saying “bach bach”!

Q: How did the egg cross the road?

A: It scrambled across!

Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A: A polygon

Q: What do you call a sad bird?

A: A bluebird!

Q: Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

A: So he could grade his eggs.

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

A: Owlgebra

Source : Happie